Facing the Truth About Hiding My Smoking Addiction
For over a decade, I lived with a secret I swore I’d never allow to define me—a hidden smoking addiction. I wasn’t just ashamed of being a smoker; I was ashamed of lying, of hiding it, of not being the man I claimed to be. This post continues the story from a previous about how I started smoking in Iraq. If you haven’t seen that, check it out first.
Coming Home Addicted and Lying to Myself
I came back from Iraq a smoker. I hated it, but I couldn’t quit. Over time, I convinced myself I liked it. That I could stop whenever I wanted. That was the first lie. Then I met a woman who would become my wife. She only had one condition—I had to quit smoking. I said I would. I meant it. But I didn’t. Instead, I got better at hiding my smoking addiction.
I’d smoke at work, wash my hands before going home, avoid smoking in the car to hide the smell. When deployed, it was easier. I had six deployments total—plenty of time and space to keep my secret.
The Day I Got Caught
Eventually, the lies caught up with me. One day, while I was smoking outside my mom’s house, my wife unexpectedly pulled into the driveway. I tried to hide the cigarette, but she saw it. The shock on her face still haunts me. In that moment, the weight of my deceit crushed me—but strangely, it also relieved me. I no longer had to lie. I could finally admit I had a problem.
Hiding My Smoking Addiction from My Family
I tried to quit, but failed. And instead of asking for help, I went deeper into hiding. That’s when I picked up vaping. It was easier to hide, especially around my kids. No smell, no evidence—until one of them asked what that thing was in my mouth that made “smoke”, in front of my wife.
Once again, I was exposed. My wife and I had long, difficult conversations. She hated the vaping, especially around the kids. We made compromises—don’t do it around them, don’t lie about it. She wanted me to quit. And I knew I had to.
The Mental Toll of Hiding
Keeping secrets kills your spirit. The guilt of the addiction itself is one thing—but hiding a smoking addiction eats at your relationships, your self-worth, your future. It kept me stuck. It made quitting feel impossible.
I started vaping constantly—around my kids, in the car, at work. I told myself it was better than smoking, but deep down I knew I was just avoiding the real issue.
When My Kids Noticed
I’ll never forget the day one of my kids casually mentioned the thing I blow smoke out of. My heart dropped. My cover was blown—again. And while my wife didn’t explode with anger like the first time, the disappointment was real. She had been lied to again. My hiding had eroded her trust.
The Turning Point
This addiction wasn’t just about nicotine anymore. It was about lying. Hiding. Becoming someone I never wanted to be. The man who hides from his wife. Who sets a bad example for his kids. Who chooses short-term relief over long-term integrity.
I finally saw how far I had drifted from who I wanted to be. I realized that hiding my smoking addiction had become more destructive than the addiction itself.
A Story from Deployment
I remember a guy on one of our missions who had never dipped before. He needed nicotine, so someone gave him dip. He threw up, hard. But he didn’t stop—he kept dipping. That’s what addiction does. It doesn’t care about logic or comfort. It just wants to win.
What I’ve Learned About Hiding Addiction
If you’re hiding something—smoking, drinking, porn, anything—you know the weight I’m talking about. The guilt. The anxiety. The double life. And if you’re not talking to anyone about it, you’re making it worse.
I used to talk to my mom about it—she understood because she smoked too. But she made it easy to stay in hiding. My wife didn’t. She pushed me. She held me to a higher standard. She’s the reason I finally started facing the truth.
Moving Toward Integrity
The hardest part of addiction isn’t quitting—it’s what it does to your identity. It turns you into someone you don’t recognize. Someone you hide from. Someone you lie for. If you’re hiding a smoking addiction, I promise you—it’s costing you more than you think.
You don’t have to fix it all today. But you do have to stop hiding.
Read about “HOW I QUIT SMOKING AFTER 10 YEARS“
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