There was a time when I didn’t want to face God. Not because I didn’t believe in Him—but because I didn’t feel worthy to even approach Him. And if I’m being honest, that feeling still shows up sometimes. Even now, as I grow in faith and walk closer with Christ, there are moments I feel the weight of my flaws heavier than before.
The more I get to know God, the more I realize how holy He is—and how far I fall short. But back then, when I was living in sin and doing everything I could to stay numb—drinking, chasing women, drowning myself in hours of video games—I wasn’t just falling short. I was running in the opposite direction.
When You’re Living in It
There’s a difference between slipping and living in sin.
I sin every day. We all do. But there’s something different about knowingly, willingly living in it—when you set up camp in the mess and stop trying to get out. That’s where I was. I wasn’t just off-track—I was off the map.
In that place, I avoided church. I avoided Scripture. I avoided people who reminded me of the truth. Not because I didn’t believe in God, but because I knew I was out of alignment. And facing Him felt unbearable.
It’s like ghosting a friend you haven’t called in years. You feel awkward, fake, undeserving to just show back up. But here’s what I’ve learned:
The distance I felt wasn’t because God moved. It was because I did.
How God Actually Speaks
I’ve never heard God’s voice audibly—but I’ve heard Him. In ways that stop me cold. A thought that feels too wise to be mine. A peace that shows up in the middle of chaos. A whisper in my spirit that comes when I ask questions I can’t seem to answer.
Sometimes it’s not even in the moment—it’s in the alignment of events, the quiet confirmations, the perfectly timed reassurances. My family calls them “God winks.”
Like the time I was doing a strict 90-day carnivore challenge, and Day 90 just happened to land on Communion Sunday. If it had landed one day earlier, I would’ve been tempted to skip communion—or felt guilty for breaking my streak. But God knew. And He lined it up so I wouldn’t have to wrestle. It may seem small to some, but it told me He saw the details of my life. Even the diet ones.
God speaks in ways we often miss—but if you’re looking, and you’re listening, you’ll hear Him.
The Turning Point
The shift started when my son was born prematurely.
I was helpless. Couldn’t fix anything. Couldn’t muscle through it. All I could do was pray. And in that desperation, I realized something: I didn’t just need God for the crisis moments—I needed Him for everything.
That was the beginning of coming back. But it wasn’t the end.
Later, I remember burning through books about Christianity—trying to make sense of faith, doctrine, truth. And then, a question dropped into my mind like a hammer:
“Why are you reading about the Bible instead of reading the Bible?”
That wasn’t me. That was Him.
So I started listening—literally. I’m not the best reader, but I went through the whole Bible on audio. Not secondhand. Not summarized. The real thing. And it changed me. It’s still changing me.
If You Feel Too Far Gone
If you feel like you’ve gone too far, like you’ve messed up too much—like you’re too dirty to come back—I want you to hear this:
You’re not the worst man who ever lived.
Think about how you love your kids. Even if they fail. Even if they hurt you. You’d still want them back. Still want to hold them. Still want to see them get free.
That’s how God loves you. You’re His son.
Yes, He cares about sin. But Jesus already paid for it. Your shame doesn’t scare Him. But it is blocking you from coming home.
Just Take One Step
When we avoid God, we do it because we assume He’s disappointed. Distant. Done with us. But what I’ve found—every time I’ve come crawling back—is that He was right there the whole time. Arms open.
So if you’ve been avoiding Him, if you’ve been feeling stuck or ashamed or unworthy, just take one step. Open your Bible. Find a sermon. Go to a local church. Pray—out loud, messy, unsure.
It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be real.
If you need a little help, I put together a devotional called Start Strong—built for men like us who need a daily anchor. It’s free. It’s honest. And it’s yours right here: Start Strong Devotional.
Because you’re not beyond God’s reach.
You’re just one honest prayer away from coming home.
And He’s been waiting.
